Gone Too Soon

Dear Baby,

I want you to know how we longed for you and waited for you and hoped for you. Months and months of talking about whether or not we were ready to add another member to our family, you were a dream in our hearts. And when that day finally crossed over from dream to reality, Daddy and I were on top of the world. We knew you belonged to us.

You left us too soon, and the pain of that still surfaces now and then. Especially at times like this.(your due date is drawing near).

I’m not sure what went wrong, but I first discovered you were gone before you’d been with us, a part of me, 8 weeks.

How can such a big life last for such a short time? It’s so wrong, so unfair.

How could this happen? How could this happen? How could this happen?

Sometimes my sadness has made me feel guilty. Rationally I understand that all of those jumbled emotions are part of the grieving process, and yet nearly 7 ½ months later I still deal with waves of guilt.

I loved you from the second I suspected your existence was real. . . and my love multiplied the second your existence was confirmed. It was the kind of excitement that left no room for pre-meditating a fancy announcement to Daddy. I ran to the store to buy a test and ran home and then just ran right out of the bathroom to take a picture to show him my pregnancy test.

POSITIVE.

And then, when I first suspected I was losing you I was in a sort of dreamland of its’ own.

I cried there in our tiny bathroom trying not to be too loud or wake your brothers. My rationale told me not to rush to a definitive conclusion of your death, yet my spirit knew you were gone.

Would I be able to take it? Would I be at peace despite my sadness, my anger, and all of the unknowns?

I had such joy thinking about you four – your brothers and you – and the privilege it is to be a mother. 

Harrison still talks about our baby that died, and to some that may sound weird, but I welcome his questions and curiosity because it helps keep your memory alive. 

I don’t understand why you weren’t strong enough to stay.

But I’m at peace with not knowing the details of the why and I cling to the fact that I will hold you one day when Jesus makes all things new. I imagine what that day might look like, but the truth is. . . I don’t really know.

All I do know is that my tears will be gone then. I’ll hold you on that day.

Even in the not knowing, I trust Jesus with my future. And yours.

I miss you little one. Always will.

Please know how loved you were and are and that you’ll never, ever be small to me.

Daddy and I choose peace even while the war of this world still rages.

Love,
Mommy

Not For the Faint of Heart

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. You should see the amazing glow you get and how great your hair and nails look.

Yeah, that's the type of things they tell you about being pregnant, but they leave out all the gory details of what really goes on. Unless you have a good friend who is willing to give you the inside scoop.

So, first off, I did not get the "glow" as they call it, what I did get was acne like I had just turned 13 and gotten my period for the first time. It wasn't pretty. My face constantly felt like someone had slugged me because of how painful it was. The only thing that kept me going through that phase was knowing it would soon be over, hopefully.

The other thing no one warned me about was Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction which I seemed to have developed around my second trimester, right around the time my acne was starting to calm down. This was a different kind of pain that most people don't have to endure. It made doing daily tasks extremely difficult. Nothing was giving me relief; not sitting, not standing, not laying down.....NOTHING! It felt like someone was trying to physically rip out from down there. My hips have started to now follow suit by causing extreme pain when I walk or sit too long in any position.

(I have to sit with a pillow at work now)

I keep telling myself, "This too shall pass." I have 10 weeks or less left and I know the end is worth the agony, but someone tell that to my husband who is not getting as much lovin' as he is use to because that can cause more pain. I did discover a jock strap of sorts for ladies, where it is suppose to help give some support down there, but it isn't the most inconspicuous of undergarments, so therefore I can't really wear it unless I'm home and I know that no one will be randomly stopping by.

The most recent things that I have NEVER heard of, vaginal varicose veins....yup, that's right, you read it right.

(Stretching after my workout, but I thought this image fitting for the topic)

Last night while doing my lady grooming I discovered this. I can't see down there real well at this point so when I felt a lump where a lump shouldn't be I freaked out and grabbed a mirror. What looked like a blood blister I have now discovered is a vaginal varicose vein and will most likely go away after giving birth. A side note on this ugly topic, I had worked out and mowed our lawn yesterday before discovering this, now today after resting and not doing any crazy activity it has almost seemed to return to normal. I'm going to assume that maybe I was pushing myself a little too much yesterday and caused the baby to put a lot of pressure down there causing this, which probably would explain the cramps I was having last night. *Don't worry, I am listening to my body and I will limit how much activity in one day I participate in.*

There are obviously a lot of other things I thoroughly enjoy about being pregnant. I love love love feeling my baby move like an acrobat in my belly. She moves ALL the time, even when I'm trying to sleep, but I don't care. I welcome those fun movements and kicks. AND, lastly, as I'm sure my husband will also attest to this; holy big boobs Mama!

I am trying to not be impatient this time around because I know before long she will be here and I will be missing that intimate bond that only her and I had. 

I just thought it kind (?) of me to inform you of the brutality that mothers have to endure during pregnancy. Can you imagine a man having to suffer through this stuff? They would be in the emergency room every week thinking they may be dying.