All I Want for Christmas is MORE MILK!!!!

Second week back to work has me like

Started out this week with a touch of some weird stomach bug that made it impossible to do anything besides lay around all day and nurse when Ella needed to nurse, and even that was difficult at times. I’m so glad it was short lived and over before Christmas. I pray that no one else in my family gets this nasty illness since Christmas and all the festivities are starting so soon. 

I’m starting to get into a normal nursing and pumping schedule which makes my stress level go way down. I pump a minimum of 2 times at work, sometimes 3 if I think I can squeeze in a pump session before I leave for the day. 

The very best part of my job right now is the distance it is from Ella’s daycare. It’s literally a block away! Every day I take my lunch break and I go and nurse her. It makes my work day go by way faster when I get to see 2 of my babies in the middle of the day. (Oliver goes there too) She’s gotten into a pretty nice schedule as well which makes pumping and nursing even more enjoyable. 

With every one of my kids I’ve always been worried about my milk supply and whether or not I was producing enough to store up. This time around it is no different. I’ve got myself a nice supply stored up in the freezer right now, but I’m always afraid it’s not enough. I read so many articles about how to increase your milk supply or what is normal in the amount I should be pumping during the work day and I came across several articles that talked about these Fenugreek Bars that everyone was swearing by. People were saying it was doubling the amount they were pumping in one session within a day or two of eating them. After reading several reviews I jumped on the bandwagon and ordered myself a box of Mrs. Patel’s Peanut Butter Fenugreek Bars. Today was my second morning of eating one and the taste is definitely lacking but I’m trying to stay positive and choke it down in hopes that my supply will increase greatly. So far, I haven’t seen a huge increase in my supply during a pump session, but I’m still hopeful that in a day or two I will notice a difference.

Christmas is this weekend and as, I think, every parent out there knows, it’s way more fun when you have children. Justin and I don’t buy each other presents because the real joy is in seeing the looks on our kids’ faces. This year we decided to do something a little different and Santa agreed with us on this one and wrote the kids a note telling them that this year they could only put 4 things on their list to Santa; Something you want, something you need, something you wear, and something you read. 

All of our kids did such a great job with this and were very thoughtful in what they put on their lists this year, instead of just aimlessly writing everything they could possibly think of. Of course Justin and I are surprising the kids with presents from us as well that we know will be sure to make their little hearts smile with delight. But for all they know, they are only getting 4 presents this year. Christmas is such a magical time of year for many reasons and this year we really wanted to stress to the boys that it wasn’t about what you get but about the One who gave it all. 

I hope everyone else has a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year! I look forward to what 2017 will bring and pray that I remember to cherish every little moment while my little ones are still little, because I know it will all go so fast.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Working Mommy

 I'm officially back to work this week and it's been a bowl full of varying emotions. On one hand I've missed my job and the people I work with as well as the consistent routine that makes my life seem to run smoothly, but on the other hand I keep having these bouts of serious sadness as I know that this is our last baby and I want to savor every moment as much as possible. When they are this little and they depend on you for everything, and not just anyone, but ME, she depends on me. I am her source of nourishment and her source of comfort.  

As I sit here writing this blog I have her snuggled up in my arms. That's right, as a mom of 4 I have learned how to multi task, work with only one available hand, and write a blog post on my cell phone....be impressed! 

In all seriousness though, I have learned something new with each child and have become more and more laid back in nature. My babies sense my calmness which has made my baby now pretty cool and calm....well, as long as Mommy is around. She's pretty much obsessed with me, lol, and I with her. 

I can't tell you how much fun I've had having a little girl in the house. Dressing her every day is like an event. I spend way too much time looking through all of her clothes deciding which outfit she will grace us with each day. 

She is the perfect completion to our family and all of us are so in love with her. Even my precious baby boy Oliver loves her so much. 

I am so blessed and I know that everything I have is because of the Almighty One, our awesome Father in Heaven. 

I am hoping to get more blog posts out and be much more frequent with my postings. I already have a book's worth of funny stories since I've last posted. My kids make for great comic relief. I've always thought we would have a hit reality show if people could see into our day to day happenings at home. 

I'm also planning to keep everyone up to date with my weight loss postpartum and the daily struggles. I'm an open book and want to let people know what real looks like. 

 39 weeks pregnant

                                                12 days postpartum

Gone Too Soon

Dear Baby,

I want you to know how we longed for you and waited for you and hoped for you. Months and months of talking about whether or not we were ready to add another member to our family, you were a dream in our hearts. And when that day finally crossed over from dream to reality, Daddy and I were on top of the world. We knew you belonged to us.

You left us too soon, and the pain of that still surfaces now and then. Especially at times like this.(your due date is drawing near).

I’m not sure what went wrong, but I first discovered you were gone before you’d been with us, a part of me, 8 weeks.

How can such a big life last for such a short time? It’s so wrong, so unfair.

How could this happen? How could this happen? How could this happen?

Sometimes my sadness has made me feel guilty. Rationally I understand that all of those jumbled emotions are part of the grieving process, and yet nearly 7 ½ months later I still deal with waves of guilt.

I loved you from the second I suspected your existence was real. . . and my love multiplied the second your existence was confirmed. It was the kind of excitement that left no room for pre-meditating a fancy announcement to Daddy. I ran to the store to buy a test and ran home and then just ran right out of the bathroom to take a picture to show him my pregnancy test.

POSITIVE.

And then, when I first suspected I was losing you I was in a sort of dreamland of its’ own.

I cried there in our tiny bathroom trying not to be too loud or wake your brothers. My rationale told me not to rush to a definitive conclusion of your death, yet my spirit knew you were gone.

Would I be able to take it? Would I be at peace despite my sadness, my anger, and all of the unknowns?

I had such joy thinking about you four – your brothers and you – and the privilege it is to be a mother. 

Harrison still talks about our baby that died, and to some that may sound weird, but I welcome his questions and curiosity because it helps keep your memory alive. 

I don’t understand why you weren’t strong enough to stay.

But I’m at peace with not knowing the details of the why and I cling to the fact that I will hold you one day when Jesus makes all things new. I imagine what that day might look like, but the truth is. . . I don’t really know.

All I do know is that my tears will be gone then. I’ll hold you on that day.

Even in the not knowing, I trust Jesus with my future. And yours.

I miss you little one. Always will.

Please know how loved you were and are and that you’ll never, ever be small to me.

Daddy and I choose peace even while the war of this world still rages.

Love,
Mommy

Not For the Faint of Heart

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. You should see the amazing glow you get and how great your hair and nails look.

Yeah, that's the type of things they tell you about being pregnant, but they leave out all the gory details of what really goes on. Unless you have a good friend who is willing to give you the inside scoop.

So, first off, I did not get the "glow" as they call it, what I did get was acne like I had just turned 13 and gotten my period for the first time. It wasn't pretty. My face constantly felt like someone had slugged me because of how painful it was. The only thing that kept me going through that phase was knowing it would soon be over, hopefully.

The other thing no one warned me about was Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction which I seemed to have developed around my second trimester, right around the time my acne was starting to calm down. This was a different kind of pain that most people don't have to endure. It made doing daily tasks extremely difficult. Nothing was giving me relief; not sitting, not standing, not laying down.....NOTHING! It felt like someone was trying to physically rip out from down there. My hips have started to now follow suit by causing extreme pain when I walk or sit too long in any position.

(I have to sit with a pillow at work now)

I keep telling myself, "This too shall pass." I have 10 weeks or less left and I know the end is worth the agony, but someone tell that to my husband who is not getting as much lovin' as he is use to because that can cause more pain. I did discover a jock strap of sorts for ladies, where it is suppose to help give some support down there, but it isn't the most inconspicuous of undergarments, so therefore I can't really wear it unless I'm home and I know that no one will be randomly stopping by.

The most recent things that I have NEVER heard of, vaginal varicose veins....yup, that's right, you read it right.

(Stretching after my workout, but I thought this image fitting for the topic)

Last night while doing my lady grooming I discovered this. I can't see down there real well at this point so when I felt a lump where a lump shouldn't be I freaked out and grabbed a mirror. What looked like a blood blister I have now discovered is a vaginal varicose vein and will most likely go away after giving birth. A side note on this ugly topic, I had worked out and mowed our lawn yesterday before discovering this, now today after resting and not doing any crazy activity it has almost seemed to return to normal. I'm going to assume that maybe I was pushing myself a little too much yesterday and caused the baby to put a lot of pressure down there causing this, which probably would explain the cramps I was having last night. *Don't worry, I am listening to my body and I will limit how much activity in one day I participate in.*

There are obviously a lot of other things I thoroughly enjoy about being pregnant. I love love love feeling my baby move like an acrobat in my belly. She moves ALL the time, even when I'm trying to sleep, but I don't care. I welcome those fun movements and kicks. AND, lastly, as I'm sure my husband will also attest to this; holy big boobs Mama!

I am trying to not be impatient this time around because I know before long she will be here and I will be missing that intimate bond that only her and I had. 

I just thought it kind (?) of me to inform you of the brutality that mothers have to endure during pregnancy. Can you imagine a man having to suffer through this stuff? They would be in the emergency room every week thinking they may be dying. 

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I’m fairly certain my husband doesn’t even read my blog, 

but sometimes I just need to let it all out to make myself feel better.

Marriage isn’t always pretty.

In fact, there are a lot of times where I find it to be downright ugly and mean. Does that mean I want to call it quits? Throw in the towel? Give up? NO!

Are there days where I wish I could just push the restart button on our marriage? Yes.

There are so many different “phases”, as the experts say, of marriage. Right now, at this “phase” in our lives, we are going through probably the roughest one we will have to face. In my heart I know we will make it through these rocky waters, but it doesn’t change the daily struggles we face. Before I go any farther, let me give you a little back story on the story of Justin and me.

I was 16 when I met Justin, he was almost 18. We met at a local church’s youth group where Justin was often asked to play guitar at the beginning of our Wednesday night group. You could say it was infatuation at first sight. As soon as I saw him I was obsessed with everything about him. His long hair, his baby blue eyes, his tall almost awkwardly skinny body, everything. All I could do was stare at him up there on the stage and hope that he would notice me as well. It only took me a couple weeks to muster up enough courage to finally start talking to him, because Lord knows he wasn’t going to be the first to approach me. Not because he didn’t want to, but because Justin has never been much for randomly talking to strangers. I suppose you could say that after that the rest is history……

Although, it really didn’t end like that. Justin graduated high school and I still had 2 more years left to go. We did the whole long distance relationship for 2 years while he was at Southern and it definitely had its ups and downs as well. But there was still that passion there that never left. Any time he came home for a visit we were inseparable. We not only grew as a couple but he truly became my best friend. He was a constant joker; some would say he never takes anything seriously. I loved that about him. He could make me laugh until I cried.

The next 3 ½ years we really started to find our groove. It was like we knew what made each other tick. We also knew what would make the other go crazy. We were growing as a couple in maturity (sometimes) and we knew that marriage was in our future.

By the time we got married we had already been together for 5 years. We thought we were ready for this next step in our relationship, even though we were both still babies in a lot of people’s eyes. I was 21 and I was ready…..or so I thought.

Within 3 months of us being married I was in a bicycling accident, which left me with a catheter bag that I had to wear around my leg and a minimum of 6 weeks with no hanky panky with my new husband. Talk about a buzzkill on the newlywed bliss. It could only go up from here, right?

2 months after all that fun stuff happened we found out, unexpectedly, that we were expecting.

I went from being a 21 year old thinking I had everything figured out, to a woman who was questioning every decision she had made. Little did I know that this was the start of that rough “phase” I was speaking about in the beginning.

Being a mommy, a college student, and trying to work part time to help out with the bills was more draining then I could have ever imagined. Whatever sex drive I had was completely diminished and even though I still loved Justin we felt more like roommates at times.

Physical affection felt like a chore at times, and not because I dislike my husband or because I don’t find him attractive. It was more the fact that when I started having my boys, my brain almost did a complete 180 and sex wasn’t even on the radar anymore. I was also struggling with my own self-image at this point, constantly hating the way I looked and feeling like my body wasn’t even my body anymore.

My best friend and husband, the person I wanted so badly to talk to about all of this was the last person I was going to talk to about all of this. It put a strain on our relationship because he could feel me withdrawing from him.

I began spending money, money we didn’t even have, and hiding it from him. Maybe I was trying to buy things to fill that emptiness I was feeling, I don’t know. I was caught on several occasions for hiding things that I had bought and we couldn’t afford. He started to resent me and was losing the trust he had in me. While he was starting to feel the hatred for me he had no problem expressing it verbally towards me. We were broken.

We were so lucky when God decided he wasn’t ready for this marriage to be over. He worked diligently to build our relationship back up. He helped us find our church home now, and brought people into our lives that we know were Godsends.

I know that Justin’s love language is “physical touch” and he knows that my love language is “words of affirmation”. But why is it so hard for us to speak it to each other? We both have excuses, “Maybe I would show you more physical affection if you would speak nicer to me” and “Maybe I’d speak nicer to you if I wasn’t so grouchy from not getting any attention from you.”

Right now I am 7 months pregnant with our 4^th child, and while I feel great the majority of the time, I am exhausted by the end of the day. I know what I need to do to make this marriage work and I know that I need to be the one to make changes. But sometimes it feels like a chore. I want to be the wife my husband needs, so why is it so hard? 

I know that God will get us through this and that this is only going to feel like a small moment in time in the grand scheme of things.

I don’t know how long this “phase” is going to last, but I am really ready for it to be over. 

Hello Again!

It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to actually sit down long enough to put sentences together and write a new blog.  So, after a little hiatus, I am back and ready to thrill you all (maybe 5 followers) with my amazing stories and comic genius.

Since the last time I wrote I have taken a huge test to help advance me in my career and failed (Don’t worry, I will take it again and pass this time!), gone on a camping trip with my family (6 months pregnant mind you!),  had one kid start T-Ball, another continue with his karate (on the same night as T-ball of course), prepare  for our garage sale this weekend, and have gotten to see our little baby girl through 3D/4D ultrasound.

I’ve been busy to say the least, but when you are pregnant I find keeping busy makes the days go by a little quicker.

We went camping a couple weekends ago and it was so much fun. We didn’t have a t.v. or our electronic devices to distract us from purely enjoying each other’s’ company. We may have gotten a little sweaty and I’m sure we didn’t always smell so pleasant, but being able to sit around the fire and see the smiles on my boys’ faces was almost magical. I have such fond memories from my own childhood of how we often went on camping trips as a little fun and inexpensive family getaway. This little weekend mini-vacation didn’t disappoint. I will never say that my family is rich in material ways, and we can’t afford to go on week long vacations often or even spend the money to have expensive weekends away, so this cheap little trip was just what our family needed. Justin and I were able to sit and laugh at some of the things our kids would say and listen attentively to them tell us stories about the things they discovered on our hikes. I wouldn’t trade that short little weekend for anything.

Our little girl is super active and is constantly moving around. It is my favorite part of being pregnant, although, it does become a little distracting when I’m trying to get things done at work. I was able to see her wiggle and kick yesterday at a 3D/4D ultrasound, and let’s just say, God is truly an amazing artist and creator. I’m in awe of her little cheeks that are getting chubbier with each passing day and I was even able to see her cute little mouth that reminds me of my boys’. Within the next week or two we will be starting work on her room. You can only imagine that a mom of 3 boys and who is now finally getting a girl has some ideas in mind! I can’t wait to show you our progress .

A Letter

Dear Harrison, Max, and Oliver:

Why is it that whenever I have to leave for a few days and you are left in the care of your wonderful, yet childlike Daddy, you decide to turn into these perfect cherub angels?

Every Time!

I was so excited to see you yesterday that I could hardly stand it. I was daydreaming about how excited you would be to see me and how you would run to me as soon as you saw me and give me the biggest hug.

Instead what I received was a small smile and an “Oh, hey. Is it time to go already?” from you.

I have to admit, my heart frowned just a little when you couldn’t even muster up a small hug for your dear ol’ mom, and that as soon as we got into the car to go home you were already asking me, “What are we doing tonight?”

Is it completely wrong of me to think that a night of snuggles and kisses sounds like the perfect evening?

AND, to my husband, your daddy; would it be so awful for you to leave the house a little messy or make it look like you struggled just a little without me around? But no, I walk into a spotless house.

Wait, did you vacuum and do laundry too?

Come on!!! Give me a break! I’m lucky to actually fully complete a load of laundry (wash, dry, fold, & put away) in 3 days.

I know I should lower my expectations on the welcome I’m bound to get every time I leave town, but would it kill you guys to act like you missed me just a little? Or at least pretend that you finally realized how underappreciated I am and that you never knew how much your Mommy did for you and around the house.

But, until that day comes, I will smile over my sadness and force you to give me a hug even when you don’t want to. I will pretend like I didn’t hear you just say under your breathe, “Where’s Daddy?” when I see you after almost a week away.

And maybe, just maybe, the only reason you were sweet little angels while I was away was because I remembered to sit with you before I left and tell you how Daddy would need your help. That you all needed to be on your best behavior and listen and do what Daddy says to do while Mommy was away…..Sigh, a woman can dream can’t she?

All Things Sparkly

 

(Going Home Outfit)

It still really hasn't sunk in yet that we will be adding a girl to our family dynamic pretty soon. I'm not sure I'll really believe it until I'm actually holding her in my arms. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited about this little mini me that will make her grand entrance into our world and hearts, but I'm definitely nervous about what kind of Mommy I will be for a little girl. 

My boys have brought so much joy into my life, along with dirt, someone's hands always being sticky, and of course, fart jokes. I've heard myself say so many times, "We don't do that, that's inappropriate," that without looking I can recite it just by the sound of the giggles I hear coming from behind me. 

Will I know how to handle a little princess? 

Of course I know God will always guide me on this path I'm on and I know that He will help me laugh at myself along the way. God truly has a sense of humor, and if you don't believe me, just hang out with my boys for a day and you will.

Pretty soon we will begin working on our little one's nursery!!! Pinterest is a very dangerous place for me right now.

I can't wait to keep ya'll updated on my own progress as well as all things sparkly for Baby Girl Hays!

Peace and Calm

Needless to say my life is a little crazy and whole lot of messy. 

I don't know if it's because I'm a glutton for punishment or if I truly just love my life and my family. I'd like to believe it's because God has completely blessed me with three amazing little boys and an awesome husband and father to those boys that we decided we needed "just one more". 

After my youngest son turned 2, I started to get that feeling that my family wasn't quite yet complete. Of course, in the back of my mind I was thinking, "Maybe we'll get a girl this time". It didn't take long after we started trying to find out that we were expecting. 

I was beyond excited and I couldn't wait to start this journey, yet again. Unfortunately, when I was around 6 weeks pregnant we lost the baby. I was devastated. No matter what my husband tried to do or say, it just couldn't take away that pain and that feeling of, "What if that was my baby girl and I'll never get to meet her?"

BUT, God is such a truly awesome God, and even though I was sad and mourning our loss, He showed me how truly blessed I was. We didn't tell the boys anything about our miscarriage right away. I wasn't sure how they would handle it, or honestly, how I would handle telling them. 

But God being the all knowing God that He is, knew that I needed something more comforting then words. Without any prompting or cues from their Daddy, my three boys climbed up in the chair with me and allowed me to love on them and squeeze them and hold them tight. At that very moment I felt very calm and I know it was God whispering to me, "You are so blessed, enjoy your blessings."

A few months went by and a few negative pregnancy tests later we were so overjoyed to find out we were expecting again. Of course I was thrilled, but there was definitely a part of me that still had a heavy heart for my baby that I had lost. 

My prayer from the beginning of this pregnancy has been, "God it is your will not my own that be done. You know what the future holds for me. If you give me another baby boy Lord, then I know that a baby boy is what will complete this family. Please give me peace and comfort in whatever you bless me with. Amen"

We had decided not to tell anyone we were expecting until we found out the gender of our newest addition, to my husband's impatient dismay. When we went at 16 weeks to find out whether we would be picking out pinks or blues I was staring so intently at the screen. My heart started to race and I felt like I may actually hyper ventilate when what I was seeing on the screen was nothing like what I had seen with my three boys. I kept thinking, "It's a girl! It's a girl!" When all of a sudden I heard the ultrasound technician say, "It's a boy!" To which I just chuckled a little and said, "Are you sure?" 

I left feeling very unsettled and definitely didn't feel calm. I kept praying, "God, if we are having another boy why do I feel so unsure? Give me a peace and calmness." 

Two days later I receive a message from that very same ultrasound technician that says he would like me to come back for a second ultrasound because after reviewing the images with some of his colleagues they were left wondering the same thing I was, "Are you sure?"

Now, after a second ultrasound and then another ultrasound at 20 weeks at our hospital, everyone is 99% sure that we are having a GIRL!

The peace and calmness rushed over me as soon as I heard those words and saw for myself. My family will be complete come October and I can't wait to continue this crazy chaotic life that I call Blessed.