Peace and Calm

Needless to say my life is a little crazy and whole lot of messy. 

I don't know if it's because I'm a glutton for punishment or if I truly just love my life and my family. I'd like to believe it's because God has completely blessed me with three amazing little boys and an awesome husband and father to those boys that we decided we needed "just one more". 

After my youngest son turned 2, I started to get that feeling that my family wasn't quite yet complete. Of course, in the back of my mind I was thinking, "Maybe we'll get a girl this time". It didn't take long after we started trying to find out that we were expecting. 

I was beyond excited and I couldn't wait to start this journey, yet again. Unfortunately, when I was around 6 weeks pregnant we lost the baby. I was devastated. No matter what my husband tried to do or say, it just couldn't take away that pain and that feeling of, "What if that was my baby girl and I'll never get to meet her?"

BUT, God is such a truly awesome God, and even though I was sad and mourning our loss, He showed me how truly blessed I was. We didn't tell the boys anything about our miscarriage right away. I wasn't sure how they would handle it, or honestly, how I would handle telling them. 

But God being the all knowing God that He is, knew that I needed something more comforting then words. Without any prompting or cues from their Daddy, my three boys climbed up in the chair with me and allowed me to love on them and squeeze them and hold them tight. At that very moment I felt very calm and I know it was God whispering to me, "You are so blessed, enjoy your blessings."

A few months went by and a few negative pregnancy tests later we were so overjoyed to find out we were expecting again. Of course I was thrilled, but there was definitely a part of me that still had a heavy heart for my baby that I had lost. 

My prayer from the beginning of this pregnancy has been, "God it is your will not my own that be done. You know what the future holds for me. If you give me another baby boy Lord, then I know that a baby boy is what will complete this family. Please give me peace and comfort in whatever you bless me with. Amen"

We had decided not to tell anyone we were expecting until we found out the gender of our newest addition, to my husband's impatient dismay. When we went at 16 weeks to find out whether we would be picking out pinks or blues I was staring so intently at the screen. My heart started to race and I felt like I may actually hyper ventilate when what I was seeing on the screen was nothing like what I had seen with my three boys. I kept thinking, "It's a girl! It's a girl!" When all of a sudden I heard the ultrasound technician say, "It's a boy!" To which I just chuckled a little and said, "Are you sure?" 

I left feeling very unsettled and definitely didn't feel calm. I kept praying, "God, if we are having another boy why do I feel so unsure? Give me a peace and calmness." 

Two days later I receive a message from that very same ultrasound technician that says he would like me to come back for a second ultrasound because after reviewing the images with some of his colleagues they were left wondering the same thing I was, "Are you sure?"

Now, after a second ultrasound and then another ultrasound at 20 weeks at our hospital, everyone is 99% sure that we are having a GIRL!

The peace and calmness rushed over me as soon as I heard those words and saw for myself. My family will be complete come October and I can't wait to continue this crazy chaotic life that I call Blessed.